I saw a meme that said, “Don’t look back you’re not going that way.” Like many memes it is simultaneously superficial and deep. Today I find myself stuck between then – looking back, and then – what is to come. I guess in one way that is the gift of Holy Saturday – that day between the grief and loss of Good Friday and the hope and promise of Easter Sunday. We are between then and then as we wait and wonder.
On this Holy Saturday afternoon, I am sitting here, listening to the music of Jesus Christ Superstar and I find myself mired in reflective thought, sunk in grief, and completely lacking in energy. On Monday we said good bye to my oldest sister as she, floating on the love of her family, left this temporal world and entered into the mystery of God’s embrace. Her death was planned. She had been ill for a long time and had made the decision months ago that when the time came she would access the dignity and control offered by medically assisted death (MAID). I was blessed to be with her and her children. Her passing was peaceful and beautifully managed. It was exactly as she wanted it. She was covered in a quilt made by her mother as she reclined on a lounge chair on her verandah. Birds were singing, the sun was shining. Now it is left to those of us who loved her to pick up the pieces of life and move on. Easier said that done.
Grief is a funny thing. This year, more than others, I can realte to the mixed emotion held by the disciples. there is such a temptation to just carry on, to put that all in the past and carry on. But emotions catch me up. Intellectually I know what needs to be done. I can be practical and efficient but anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one knows that the mind plays tricks on us. I think it is time to phone her. I see somethign I want totell her about. I pick up a book I want to share with her and it all comes crashing in again as a new wave that topples my emotional stability and leaves me gasping.
I have grieved before. I know my life will enlarge and grow bigger tha nthis grief but I also know it will never leave me. Loss of a sister is now part of my life just as was loss of a father, loss of a mother, loss of a husband.
As I type this the music of Jesus Christ Superstar is playing Mary’s tender melody, “I don’t know how to love him” with the haunting line “I never thought it would come to this.” We never know what future will bring even as we plan and prepare and look to it. Love comes to us. Loss comes to us. We live between then and then.