Helloooo faithful readers. If you are still there. I know, I know it has been a long time since there was anything new to read but I am back now and eager to get back on to a schedule of writing.
I have been caught up in a difficult decision process. I have been in ministry since I was ordained at the tender age of 25. I seemed, to myself at least, so grown up then; I look at 25 year olds now and think, OMG – still so young! I have spent my entire work-life in ministry. It hasn’t felt so much like work, more a vocation or a life-style choice. I love the church – despite all its foibles and shortcomings. I, as clearly as the next person, know that the church is made up of saints and sinners, well intentioned and short-sighted people. But they are my tribe, my people, my kindred. So, the consideration as to whether to leave fulltime ministry has been wrenching. I have talked about it, reflected on it, considered it from every angle and always ended up in tears.
The reality of my life these days is that my life isn’t entirely my own. My husband, whom I love even more than I love my work and the church, is facing some limitations brought on by aging and he needs more support than I can give him if I am working fulltime. What to do, what to do? The obvious choice is to stop working. So why has that decision been so very difficult? I have talked to my Spiritual Director about it until I am sure she feels like saying “Just do it!” – but being a good Spiritual Director she would never say anything like that.
Part of the struggle for me was the notion that it had to be all or nothing. I could work full time or I could retire and neither option seemed the right one. How relieved I was when my Personnel Minister suggested to me that I look at part-time ministry if both the congregation and my team-mate Kevin were in agreement. I have approached them and they are. Hallelujah. Now we are trying to sort out what part-time ministry will look like for me and how it will be lived out beginning January 2017.
I tell you all this as prelude to reflecting on the difficulty of decisions. I recognize that for me a number of emotions have come into play. Fear – about making the wrong choice. Grief – about losing something that is so important. Anger – that I feel the decision is being forced on my (and yes, I am angry at God for this situation I find myself in and the tough decision I have to make). As well, when I allow myself to experience them, feelings of relief and even anticipation at having a bit more time to pursue other things.
Change is difficult and, even though we are changing everyday and events effect transition and decisions constantly it is still so hard sometimes to make a decision.
The scripture is filled with stories of people who struggled with decisions – Leah, Rebecca, Ruth, Naomi, Esther, Mary, Lydia, Rahab and on and on. I am in good company but that doesn’t make decision-making any easier. I am grateful for the many people who have hung in with me over these last few months as I have struggled my way to discerning God’s next adventure for me. Bring on part-time ministry I think I am ready … or I will be by January!
