I have had a few conversations lately with people who are struggling with their relationships… primary couple relationships, son/daughter relationships, and troubled friendships. I have come to the conclusion that relationships and family dynamics can be messy, hard, and sometimes downright ugly.
It is difficult to listen to people’s stories when they are in pain. It is also very hard to resist rushing in with advice on how to fix things. Or, worse still, to take on the load of pain and sorrow as if it were my own. I have to keep reminding myself that it is important to listen but it is not my story. I can be sympathetic, reassuring and kind without being a problem solver. This is especially hard when it is someone we are close to and we want to help them shoulder their pain and unhappiness. I have to step back and take a deep breath and try to find that fine balance between being supportive and caring but keeping apart enough to be objective and let other people’s story be their story and only theirs.
I remember times in my own life, when telling my story, I have wanted to talk it through to someone, in order to get a perspective as it is often in the way I tell something that I am able to sort out what it really bothering me or what is the nub of pain and heartache. If a sympathetic listener rushes in with a solution or advice too quickly it just frustrates and aggravates me. But, oh wow, it is hard to sit by and watch someone’s life unravel and not just want to put a band aid on it for them.
Given the challenge of human dynamics, and the varying rate of personal growth it is not the least bit surprising that relationships that once worked, that were in fact a dream come true, hit bumps and wrinkles. Sometimes we can work them out and sometimes we have to close a chapter on that part of our life and move on. Oh, that hurts so. But it is also equally true that relationships that were challenged and unhappy can be resolved and find a new way to flourish.
I like that word – flourish. Flourish – to be growing, vigorous, and healthy. Wouldn’t it be great if our human dynamics, our relationships could all flourish? I am sure that is what we are called to work towards, healthy, vigorous families; growing, supportive loving partnerships; sensitive and flexible and understanding friendships. Ah, yes and Utopia would be a great place to live in too! Because, as I said when I think honestly about relationships they can be messy, hard and sometimes downright ugly.
I often try to put my ramblings into a Christian faith context. There are several stories in the Gospels about Jesus and the disciples mixing it up around their friendship, their relationships and their goals and ambition. Jesus seemed to be able to walk that line of patience and clarity. He didn’t get drawn into the drama. He would listen and then speak clearly into the dialogue as to what were the priorities for the way forward. That doesn’t always work in the mix up of family dynamics but I think it is a hint as to how we might shape the way we live through our struggles and support others as they muck about in the chaos of life.
