(Ir)Reverend Ramblings

Thursday was my birthday. As many like to phrase it, I marked “taking another year around the sun”. I love celebrating my birthday. Yep. I count my cards, I eat treats all day long, I relish the emails and phone calls that come my way, and I always hope there will be balloons and flowers. And this year, as in other years, there were all those things. I was spoiled from morning till night. And I loved it!

A couple of months ago I was shopping in a second-hand store. I found many great bargains. As I was checking out, so delighted with my purchases, my joy was magnified when the clerk asked, “Are you 55 or better?” Did you catch that? Not, “How old are you?” Not, “Are you a senior?” But, “Are you 55 or BETTER?” I immediately said, “I am BETTER.” And I have been using that turn of phrase ever since. Sure, I move slow when I get out of bed in the morning, Sure, my knees hurt when I try to cross them. Sure, sitting on the floor is more of a challenge then it used to be. But I maintain I am better – not older!

All this might seem trite given all that is going on in the world. I have the nightly news on as I type this post. The talk was first all about the police removal of the protestors in Ottawa. Now the reporter just said, “Europe is bracing for war”, as Russia continues its threatening behaviour at the Ukraine border. And in the afterglow of the Olympics, there continues to be discussion about the human rights abuses in China. How can I have the nerve to talk about celebrating a birthday? Well, yes, it might seem superficial but I, in my ‘better’ way of seeing the world, know that nothing I do will impact the Russians or the Chinese but connecting with friends and family will keep me focused on the simple pleasures of life. I can influence the world with bits of kindness in my small corner of the world. I can lighten the stress and the heaviness of the daily news by valuing the the gift of friendship and the treat of simple celebration. That’s what getting “better” means for me. It is defeating the overwhelming distress of world news by balancing it with gratitude for the grace and gift of each day.

I know that many of you read this blog and never comment. That is fine. But as I have adjusted to no longer working at the church I have had to change my contact info. If you would be so kind as to make a comment – even just a ‘Hi” will do – I can verify that all my contact info has shifted to my new email address. Thanks!

In my last post I wrote about normal. A wise and faithful reader added to my comments by sharing that ‘normal’ comes from the word ‘norms’ which is “an exploration of the behaviours, social values, and ideologies which are always evolving”. So, our “normal” should too. And she noted that in the past in Canada, but still existing in some countries, a teacher training school is called ‘Normal School’ because teachers are trained to teach children the “norms of the day”. My mom went to ‘Normal School’ and I never understood why it was called that so I was grateful for this tidbit of information. As the saying goes … “It’s a poor day if you don’t learn something.”!!

Of late, I have been trying to find a normal rhythm to my new life. As you know I left my position at the church. That meant all those books and files and knick-knacks and very important bits and bobs and pieces of paper I have amassed over the past decades had to be packed up and moved home. My basement has been chaos, as I wade through boxes and try and sort and stow everything in its new locale. I have tripped over stacks of books for the past couple of weeks as I tried to organize my office space to accommodate all this additional STUFF. I know, I know, some of it should be tossed but I also know that whatever I toss is the very thing I will be looking for in the near future. That is just the way of it.

All this has left me thinking about order out of chaos. Creation out of chaos. Spoiler alert … strong Biblical images ahead!! The story of faith, recorded in Genesis, (with parallels found in other religions and creation stories) begins in chaos with God brooding over the waters. What a delicious word – brooding. And out of that chaos and brooding came the creation of day and night, earth and sky and sea, animal and bird. Now, I am not deluded enough to think that I can sit brooding in my office and somehow these boxes will turn into some creation beyond imagining but I have found myself reflecting on what is important, what is valued, what is dispensable and, indeed, when chaos brings about creation.

In my own life experience times of chaos have often wrought something I would never have imagined. It is in the chaos of grief or illness or worry or transition, that strength, insight, self-awareness and sometimes even new life can often surprise us. Brooding, in and of itself, if we stay stuck in the brooding, does not bring about something new, but brooding to a new beginning can be most powerful.

If there is one word that I have heard over the past two years, almost as frequently as Covid, virus, vaccine, it has been the word normal. Normal. But now, after all this time, what does normal look like?

Normal was gathering in groups with abandon. Normal was blowing out the candles on a birthday cake and then passing pieces around. Normal was hugging and kissing when greeting family and friends. Normal was singing in choirs, eating in restaurants, going to movies and sitting in crowded theatres. Now normal feels like caution, distance, all tinged with a slight degree of fear.

Will normal ever be what we once knew? I doubt it, because even normal is always changing. Like the seasons of the year, it often happens so gradually that it is only when we look up and sniff the air we know that change is upon us. Fall has come. Spring is near. The musty, damp earth sends the signals and there is change.

Normal changes at every transition in life. I am adjusting to a new normal. Having moved from the employ in ministry at BUC I am now shifting my normal to late nights, lazy mornings and thinking of the new responsibilities that will be mine shortly. There are touchstones of normal to the day. I begin with a large cup of black coffee and test my acumen at Wordle. But that normal only began a month or so ago when I discovered the game. I answer a morning trivia question – sent to me by my niece. This new normal began with Covid when she started this, now normal tradition, of sending me a trivia question every day.

The seed catalogues have arrived in the mail and soon the normal of shoveling snow will be replaced with the normal of cutting grass and weeding the garden. Of course, these are small bits of normal. There are bigger shifts that we accept as normal but were one day surprising, maybe fearful – penicillin, air travel, indoor toilets!

I am left wondering why we long for “so called” normal? Why do people keep talking about “getting back to normal”? What is it that makes us think what will come back is what we had and that what we had is what we still want? The hymn, ‘O God Our Help in Ages Past’ , was written by Isaac Watts in 1719. It is based on Psalm 90. It was one of the hymns my mother chose to have sung at my father’s funeral. It holds the line, “A thousand ages in thy sight are like an evening gone; short as the watch that ends the night before the rising sun.”

Normal today is a fleeting opportunity that shifts and changes to normal tomorrow. Let’s pledge to take the ride together!

Here, in Ontario, this was to be the first day back to in-person school since Christmas break. How ironic that it is a “Snow Day” with the weather so threatening that not only were the buses cancelled but the schools were actually closed. It is snowy and cold out there – a good day to hunker down and do those things that we always put off until we have time. You know, things like sort your sock drawer, pitch out your old underwear, tidy the front hall closet, organize your book case, clean out the freezer, binge watch a series or write those letters and notes you never get to.

I have always thought snow days were a gift. All those scheduled things get put off and here is a day yawning before us to make home-made soup, have an afternoon nap or just look out the window and daydream about warmer climes!

So what are you going today with this gift of time? I saw a tv commercial, I don’t remember what they were advertising, but I do remember the tagline – “Make every second count.” Well that seems like a bit of pressure to me. Sometimes I want to make the time not count but to just let it be time that hangs in the air. Snow days are like that for me – time suspended. On snow days we can make the weather reason for doing or not doing something. Always accompanied with hot chocolate.

For me – it is ‘tidy the basement day’. I am going to put on a podcast and sort all those things that need to be sorted, toss all those things that need to be tossed, stack all those things that need to be stacked, and organize all those things that need to be organized. And at the end of the day if, it happens that instead I read a book and have a nap, well, I can do that. It’s a snow day!

“Fast away the old year passes – hail the new, you lads and lasses.”

Today is January 6th, Epiphany. My colleague Kevin used to say, “Have a spiffy Epiphany!” Well, Epiphany doesn’t feel all that spiffy this year but it’s spiritual significance is not lost on me. I have always loved Epiphany. We used to have Epiphany parties here at the church. They always included the sharing of a ‘bean cake’. I would bake a cake and I would hide three beans in it. Whoever found the bean in their piece of cake became the royalty for the rest of the evening. It was always loads of fun and after eating our fill from the pot luck buffet table we would sing carols and play games.

Epiphany is the twelfth day of Christmas. This is the day your true love would give you 12 drummers drumming. Epiphany marks the threshold from the season of Christmas into the fullness of the new year. It is also the day we remember the arrival of the magi, those strange star-gazers from the east who came with mysterious gifts of foreboding. In the Christmas story this is the day that the world was opened and all cultures came together. This is also, according to the biblical story the day that the magi and Joseph and Mary were warned in dreams to get our of town because the political power, Herod, was breathing death threats. It is a threshold day in many aspects.

On this Epiphany day I am facing a threshold as well. This new year, this month, brings a significant change in my life. I have started the onerous job of packing up my office and getting rid of all the superfluous material that has collected in my 14+ years here. This is the threshold to a new way of being for me. But it is okay because I like thresholds. I like crossing into the new, the different, and the what ifs and the maybes of new places.

2022 has not started off with much global joy or delight as the virus continues to stalk the whole world. But even omicron cannot deplete everything that fills our lives. So let us cross the threshold into this new year holding on to those things that do bring us joy – sunlight, messages from loved ones, fresh hot coffee, warm baths, crisp air, and something bigger than ourselves to believe in.

It is New Year’s Eve. The last day of 2021. Most of us will be glad to see it swept into history. It has been a tough year for many. What will 2022 bring? Who knows – I have lots of hope but it is a cautious hope given all the world is dealing with these days.

Every New Year’s my mom would quote the portion of the poem written by Minnie Louise Haskins and famously broadcast by King George VI in his Christmas message in 1939 – a year that also knew threat and difficulties. Let me offer it to you today, in fond memory of my mom and with the hope and optimism it inspires…

I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year ~ “Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown” And he replied, “Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way,”

Happy New Year, dear friends.

“Rattled” that was a term my mom used to describe her disposition on a regular basis. As in, “I can’t think straight, I am just so rattled.” “I will do that when I am not so rattled.” “Don’t rattle me right now I am working on something.” I always thought it was an odd expression. Until now. I am so rattled! I can never remember what day it is. This always happens in this week between Christmas and New Years. Every day seems the same. I am sort of working and sort of not. I am in the office but the church is not busy. The Christmas tree stands in the corner a constant reminder of the season of good cheer but the daily onslaught of dire news about the latest variant overwhelms me to the point that I turn off the radio when the news comes on. The overlay to all of this is that I am now entering my last month of ministry here at Bracebridge United Church. I am rattled!

I am, right now, this minute, considering options to overcome this feeling that had overcome me. What to do to ease the rattling? Stop eating cookies and start eating apples. That is step number one. Focus on stories of wellbeing. Step number two. Connect with people who are younger than me and who have a youthful, chipper and enthusiastic attitude. Step number three.

Each week, twice a week, I send out an email to our prayer network. There are over 25 names on the email list. These are people who are dedicated to praying prayers of gratitude for the joys people share with us and prayers of intercession for the concerns that come to us. That activity in and of itself, writing an email to those dedicated disciples, is a mood booster and has a grounding impact on me. Focusing on the notes of gratitude and saying words of thankfulness can calm my rattled mind and remind me of what is important.

The threshold of the new year is also a time that I naturally fall to reflection – looking back and looking ahead. Counting blessings and naming hopes can ease that sense of panic that arises when I shake my head and wonder, “what the heck day is this anyway?”.

I also love words and the words of poetry and scripture calm my rattled soul. I have several quotes posted on my bulletin board above my desk. “Instruction does much, but encouragement does everything.” “Show me the road I must travel for you to relieve my heart.” “You make a life out of what you have, not what you are missing.” “Resting in God resting in me.” “Ring that bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.”

How are you soothing your rattled soul these days? I would love to hear from you.

What is it about November that makes me melancholy? Is it the weather – always changing, neither fall nor winter? Is it the kick off of All Saints Day followed hard on the heels by Remembrance Day? Is it that there is a forced joviality in the stores as Christmas garish decorations take centre stage and saccharine sweet Christmas songs blast through the PA system? I am not sure but i noticed yesterday as I considered the last day of November that the whole month had passed without a blog post. YIKES! Had I nothing to say into cyberspace? Was there no reflection to be had? Was there no deep and illustrious perspective to be shared? Guess not !!!

But now, it is December 1st and Advent has begun. Advent, that slow and reflective season that takes us to Christmas. I have stirred my stumps enough to get some green boughs cut and placed in a vase on the table. I have rousted out the candles for the Advent wreath and begun to count the weeks. I have succumbed to the pressure of the warnings from all and sundry and purchased my Christmas tree before they are all snapped up by eager shoppers. It remains cool and slumped in the garage until a day closer to the festive 25th when it is decorated and standing gaily in my living room. But still there is a somber feeling in my soul.

What filters through to make us feel that way we do? Weather? Maybe. Busy schedules? Perhaps. Boredom? Could be. I think for me, this year, this season, it is the continuing anxiety of the impact of Covid. It brings with it such a wave of unease and it stifles all planning and anticipation. Sentences are peppered with phrases like, “Well, if we aren’t shut down.”. People are reluctant to make firm plans and when they do they face anxiety about travel, social gatherings, etc. Celebrations long looked forward to continue to be tamped down by restrictions and worry. Family members in hospital cannot be visited by more than one or two designated visitors. Businesses teeter on the edge of bankruptcy. Traditional family outings to celebrate the season are being cancelled again this year. Choirs, if they sing at all, are socially distanced and lacking in exuberance. I am so tired of the whole business and it makes me … well … MELANCHOLY!!

I am spending this first day of December searching for signs of hope. We light the first candle on the Advent wreath and we call it the candle of hope. Can I defeat this melancholy with reminders of hope? Well, dear readers, I am stuck! I need help. Send me a text, a message, an email, make a comment below, telling me what your sign of hope is on this dismal day as December dawns. I need your encouragement. Can I honestly say, “Hope is on the way”? Please tell me it is.

It was a month ago that I told the Council here at the church that I would be ending my contract with the congregation in January. Yep, I joined “the big quit” or “the great resignation” of 2021.

It was not an easy decision, nor one made in haste. In fact, it was made in anything but haste. It was months of discernment, prayer, reflection and angst. As I considered what I wanted to say in this post I looked up the definition of discernment. The first definition is “the ability to judge well”. Well, that sort of applies, but the second definition is the one I have in mind when I use the word discernment. It is, “in Christian contexts, discernment is the perception in the absence of judgement with a view to obtaining spiritual guidance and understanding”.

The funny thing about discernment is the sneaky way it invades all of life. When one opens themselves to an attitude of discernment, anything and everything becomes fodder for reflection. An offhand comment someone makes becomes a point to mull over and pray about as a possible hint from the Spirit. An unexpected change of plans becomes a potential sign from God to shift course. Seriously, it can make one a little crazy to always be on alert for signs, and reading into every nuance, to determine if it is the Spirit invading with a message that only I can see or understand.

There is a saying I have applied to most of my life, “If you want to make God laugh, tell God your plans.” Or, as Barbara Brown-Taylor once said, “I have usually ended up where I am because my five-year plan didn’t work out.” Throughout my life I have not had a five-year plan, or a ten-year plan … or at least not one that ever came about as planned. My main plan in life was to be a minister. I saw it as a vocation and a calling, not as an occupation or a job. Oh, I believe I did my job, but it was in the context of it being a vocation not employment.

Even though I did not have a locked-down plan, I was not whimsical! I always had something in place when I made a move – I knew where I was going before I left where I was. I also have had the very good fortune to pretty much love every place I have worked. That meant that discernment to leave one place and go to another always required a lot of soul work.

This time, because I am not moving from this work to something specific, because my next work is, as yet, unknown, I have chafed at the automatic assumption that I am retiring. I am quick to point out that I am not retiring but that I am shifting gears and looking for something else. I must admit it has made me curious as to why people need to place my decision into a category or some sort. If I am leaving I can’t just be resigning, I must be retiring. Now hear me out, I am not against retiring but it smacks of ageism to me. People look at me, see my gray hair, my wrinkles, know my era, and assume I am retiring. Hmmm, I guess my next discernment is about why I have such resistance to the notion of retirement. Or, at the very least, to the assumptions that people make about others even when they don’t fit.

What’s next for me? Well, my common response is, ‘I know God has a plan for me, she just hasn’t told me what it is yet. I am keeping all my doors and windows open for the Spirit to blow in.” I am also dusting off my resume to get it ready for whatever might spark my interest.

The impulse to leave emerges for many reasons. Sometimes it is just time to go. That is what the Spirit told me in my discernment and I am at complete peace with my decision.

There is not a day goes by that I do not think of my beloved Carl. His memory infuses everything I do. From places in our house, spots in our garden, to the vague memories that filter into my dreams, his presence is always close.

Today marks four years since he passed. It was mid morning when he breathed his last and the sorrow of that final parting still causes my heart to break a little. His decline was over several years and his last two weeks were filled with pain. Remembering and reflecting on the hard road he walked causes tears to spring to my eyes just by thinking of it.

I am not one to dwell in the past. I do not hang on to what was. I do not live with ghosts. But I do treasure memories and October 13th is a day on my calendar that never passes without a veil of melancholy and a touch of grief.

Today a few friends have sent emails, texts and notes remembering Carl. Remembering his kindness, his commitment to caring for the environment, his love of hiking and fishing and canoeing. I am also remembering his compassion for, and love of family, and his deep commitment to justice and fair play – oh, and following the rules! He was a stickler for rules and how things ‘should’ be.

In one of the emails today my friend sent this quote, attributed to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross:

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.”

My life has moved on, as lives do, but I carry with me the love and affection of someone who understood me like no one else ever has or ever will. I balance my grief with my deep gratitude that God blessed my life with a person who changed me for the better in so many ways. I miss him. I cherish his memory. I move forward.