Word Ambivalence

Hi there faithful readers. Yes, yes, I know, it’s been a while. I can assure you that there have been many times when I have thought, “Ooooh this would make good blog content.” Or, “Oh ya, I can blog about this.” But here’s the thing … it is a long way from inspiration to execution. So while I have had thoughts and ideas and motivation, nothing, for a few weeks now, has come to fruition. My only hope is that you have not given up on me. Today is proof that I have not given up on you.

I have been puzzling for a while now my ambivalence towards a certain word. It is a word I have used. It is a word I believed in for a while. It is a word used often with a thought that it is helpful, supportive, considerate and kind.

First, before I talk about the word, let’s remind ourselves what ambivalence means. According to the definition, it is “The state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.” And the word I have mixed feelings, and yes, contradictory ideas, about is closure. It might not surprise you that the word is closure given that I spent three months this spring helping a church come to terms with their feelings about closing their doors and disbanding. Or, if you consider that once a week I spend some time helping out at the local funeral home. And it is true, in both settings I have heard people say they are doing certain things so they will feel a sense of closure. In truth, I have encouraged people to do certain things so that there will be some feeling of closure. I believe that ritual is equal, or perhaps more important, at endings than at beginnings. But what I am coming to own as human truth is that there is seldom closure. At least not in the sense that I think people mean when they (or I) say such things.

Closure stirs up images of being done and moving on. We can close the door. We can close the window. But closing down feelings is a whole different ballgame. The suggestion that we will get closure by performing a ritual is a bit deceiving. Don’t get me wrong I am all for ritual and I think it is an important means to processing our feelings. I think there are many rituals that have been passed to us through tradition that are crucial to the human experience. I have become more and more convinced over the years that funerals are extremely important for us so that we can come to terms with a death and to celebrate the life and acknowledge the passing of one we loved. People who decide to not have a funeral or memorial ritual of some sort are often left with emotional hangovers that are not helpful. But the ritual does not bring closure. It helps us along the way to sorting out our feelings but it does not close the door on our feelings. Am I making any sense? There is an assumed finality with the word closure that is, I think deceiving.

My ambivalence comes from the notion that we can do something that will tidy up the messiness of emotions. That if we do this or that the pain of loss, change, death, grief, will be done, closed. But emotions are not a door, a window or a book. You don’t close them. They change. They morph. They evolve. They rise up. They settle down but they don’t close. Nor should we want them to. Our emotions remind us that we are human. That we loved and lost. That we felt affection and knew kindness. That we will never be the same. And that is okay.